You Are AMAZING!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Whenever I take a crap, I send a text message to a few of my closest friends which reads: "You're AMAZING!" followed by an open-mouth surprised emoticon. Why? Because I heard a funny bit on the radio where a woman offered her congratulation to the station's success. Her sound byte ended with a strained "Keep up the good work... You're AMAZING!" After playing it, the DJ suggested she might have been "squeezing one out" at the time of recording. He then suggested that everyone say "You're AMAZING!" the next time they take a crap in a public stall.

Hilarious! But instead of verbalizing it, I text it.

Picture this- You're doing your own thing on your own time when you receive a text message. You glance down at your cell phone to see the phrase, "You are AMAZING!" with the surprised smiley staring up at you. At first, you think it's a compliment so you smile. But then you remember what it really means... Would you smile or even laugh out loud?

My friends send similar texts back to me, but with more flair. Here are some brief examples:

* My ex-wife sent me a picture taken with her cell phone. It was a close-up shot of her hand holding a roll of toilet paper. Below it, the caption read, "You are amazing!"

* My brother once sent me the following text: "You're the greatest! (That's what I'm texting everytime I cream my jeans.") So far, that's the only one he's sent. I guess he doesn't cream his jeans too much.

* Yesterday, I got a text from "El Luchador," one of my closest and long-time friends, who wrote: "I was going to say you are awesome but it was mostly just gas."

Not to be outdone, this morning I broadcast the following: "You're AMAZING!" with the surprised smiley, followed by: "It feels like I just gave birth to a gnarly cat. That thing was scratching to get out!"

My motto: A poo is always funny, unless it's on your face.

Immature? Yes. Funny? Absolutely. Try it the next time you are seated in a public restroom squeezing one out. At the very least, it's a great conversation starter. (Who doesn't enjoy the random compliment?)

I even sent out a more flourished rendition of my morning poo, which I will share with you now:

"The gnarled, furless creature hissed and scratched its way from the deep, dark flesh cave until finally laying to rest in the queasy waters. The shit cat."

Thank you. And by the way, "You are AMAZING!" =O


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