Toilet Stories

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Yesterday I walk into the men’s restroom at work and see someone crawling on the floor of the handicap stall.

“Why?” I thought to myself. “Why do I see the strangest things in public restrooms?”

Before I finished the thought, the crawler swooped his hands out from underneath the stall and righted himself on the toilet. At least, that’s what it sounded like.

I sent out a text: “You are amazing! =O There is a guy crawling on the floor in the handicap stall.”

ERNIE: “Did you help him up?”

JAKE: “No need. He righted himself as soon as he realized I was there.”

ERNIE: “Why was he on the floor?”

JAKE: “I have no idea.”

ERNIE: “Weird…”

It is very weird. Here are some other examples of weird public restroom experiences I’ve had:

1.) One time I walked into the restroom at work and saw a handicapped man hanging from a urinal divider by one arm. He was using his other arm to aim his wang and take a leak. He snapped his neck back and said, "Hey man," and gave me a head nod. His wheelchair was parked just behind him. As I went to the adjoining urinal and did my business, he dropped back into his wheelchair, washed his hands, and rolled himself out the door. *There was a dedicated handicap stall in the restroom. Was this guy just showing off?

2.) Another time I was feeling really nauseas at Lagoon (a Utah amusement park). I had eaten a lot of chili before riding The Paratrooper Ride (sort of a fast, slanted Ferris wheel). As soon as the ride came to a complete stop, I ran to the nearest restroom. I burst into a stall and immediately started puking my guts out. I hear a couple of young boys enter the facilities to do their business. They hear me totally retching my guts out so one of them starts mocking me with throw-up noises of his own. It reminds me of something Rob and I would do so it makes me laugh really hard in between upchucks. It kind of went like this:

JAKE: “Baaaaaarrrrrf!”

BOY #1: “Bwwaaaaaaawwwrrf!”

BOY: #2: “Hee hee hee hee hee!”

JAKE: “Hahahahaha- Baaaaarrrrf! Hahaha-”

And so on.

The boys shouted at me to feel better on their way out. I finished up and as I was leaving, I noticed a fully-grown man standing at a urinal peeing with his pants pulled all the way down to his ankles. His ass and the backs of his white legs sparkled in the fluorescent light. “He must be mentally retarded,” I thought to myself.

3.) Another time, I wasn’t certain, but it looked like somebody left a Babe Ruth candybar in the sink. At work. What. The. Hell.

So now I can add a weirdo crawling around on the floor of the handicap stall to the pile, and I’ve got some jolly good times. Or something.

Boo-ya!