Im Going to Pee on You

Monday, August 11, 2008

When Ernie was in high school, he peed on another boy’s leg. He said the lights were out in the restroom and he thought he was peeing in a urinal. Turns out, he was peeing in a jock’s pocket.

It reminds me of a time when I peed on my little brother. We were very young and full of mischief. I stood atop the monkey bars of our elementary school on a warm summer's eve. My little brother looked up at me from the gravel floor. His cheeks were round and red.

“I’m going to pee.” I said.

He laughs nervously as I undo my trousers.

“I’m going to pee on you!”

“No, Jake. Don’t!”

“Yes, I’m going to. You better move.”

“No! I’m telling Mom.”

“Move, or I’ll pee on you. I mean it.”

“Nooo!”

He doesn’t move so I pee on him.

Of course, he cries all the way home. I walk along side of him and ask why he just stood there? After all, he had fair warning. Plus, I was on top of the monkey bars. It’s not like my aim could spray more than a few feet.

He doesn't answer. I suppose it's because he is a kid and he looks up to me. (I’ve told this story a hundred times and I’ve always found it hilarious, but now seeing it written down, it’s seems a little mean.) My mother gives me a good scolding and gives my younger brother a bath.

A few weeks later, my brother comes into the house from playing. He is crying and his pants and shirt are all wet.

“What happened?” my mom asks.

“Timmy peed on me.”

“What?!” I exclaim in utter amazement. I can’t believe it.

“I was standing in the ditch and Timmy said he was going to pee on me if I didn’t move. I told him not to, but he did it anyway.”

I'm not sure what to think. I can’t understand why my brother didn’t move the second time somebody threatens to pee on him. If anyone told me they were going to pee on me, I would move very quickly. Wouldn’t you? Especially if I’d been peed on before.

The jock whom Ernie accidentally sprayed didn't have that luxury. By the time the boys understood the situation, it was too late. Ernie ran from the restroom at top speed. He didn't look back and he didn't slow down. Better yet, he didn't get caught. I'm sure the jock was pretty well pissed.

Keep this in mind if anyone pees in your pocket in the boys restroom in the dark- It's probably Ernie from Sesame Street. But it is an honest mistake and he is really sorry.

Listen to the audio recording of this blog entry here: http://media.libsyn.com/media/jakespage/jnr122.mp3